When Big Food Execs Get Bored: Dessert Mashup Nightmares

Yesterday I rented a car and drove to my favorite place in the world: Wegman’s. If you’ve never been to a Wegman’s, it’s basically the Disney World of grocery stores. Lots of space in the aisles, beautiful meat/cheese/bakery section, super fresh produce. Since Wegman’s corporate has yet to answer my numerous requests for an NYC store, I have to go to New Jersey to satisfy my Wegneeds.

With a store this big, they have plenty of space to stock the latest and greatest product innovations from big food brands. A few caught my eye for sounding like the terrifying mutant step children of Willy Wonka and some outrageiously stoned frat bros:

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As a lover of root beer floats, this upsets me deeply. I’d say more about it, but Albert Burneko at Deadspin already did a pretty excellent job, so you should read that here instead.

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These look like Goldfish with herpes. Nope.

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Unrefrigerated, shelf-stable Boston “cream” should not be trusted. The yellowish tint of the cream on the packaging is particularly unsettling.

I fear the day when these products collapse in on themselves and create a nightmare black hole just like the case of the Doritos Locos Tacos Flavored Doritos. Chips Ahoy Root Beer Float Flavored Root Beer is coming. The end is nigh.

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